Tag You're It!
by SinceILeftYou
Summary: What starts out as a joke between two friends turns into an all out war on the Normandy. Needless to say, hilarity ensues. Crackfic. Rated T for suggestive themes.
1. Introduction

**A/N: Merry Halloween! Have some crackfic. :D  
**

INTRODUCTION

"Garrus, can we talk?"

"Can it wait for a bit, I'm- I... uh..."

Shepard stretched her arms and flexed downwards, protruding her chest forward in a manner which immediately caught Garrus' attention. When she rose she held a cable loosely in her hand: the main power cord for his computer. Great

"You know, you could have just asked nicely..."

"And where's the fun in that Mr Vakarian?" She sidled up next to him "Besides I shouldn't have to; you've seen more of me in the flesh than you have of that godforsaken computer."

"Actually, as part of maintenance I regularly have to take this baby apart, feel up her motherboards, get my hands _deep_ inside of her-"

Shepard threw Garrus a death glare which would have turned a lesser man into stone.

"Fiiine then. What is it that you want?"

Shepard cocked her head romantically "I dunno. I just want to talk: It seems so strange that we've known each other for so long, share a bed and yet we still know so little about one another. Tell me something about your childhood Garrus."

"Uh... I grew up on Palaven?"

The death glare was back.

"Um... I don't know? Since you started it, why don't you say something?"

"Fine, but then it's your turn." She theatrically cleared her throat. "When I was younger the other kids used to bully me because of my red hair."

"I'm sorry Commander, but I find that a little hard to swallow."

"It's true! They had a special club, with no rules except one: no ginger nuts."

Garrus tried to suppress the giggle which bubbled through his lips.

"I know someone who's going to be sleeping in a military issue bunk bed tonight if he doesn't stop that _right now_."

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry. Come to think of it, I did have a gang going on when I was a kid myself."

"And what did you do? Go around sniping anyone who dared steal lunch money from the other kids?"

"Hah hah, _very funny_. Nah, we used to just get together and kill afternoons together playing games."

"Like?"

"Well it's a little complicated. But someone would start off as "It" and the only way to "cure" it would be to pass it on to someone else-"

"By touching them? Yeah, we actually had that game too. Tag."

"What about hide-and-go-find-them?"

"Hide-and-seek."

"Cyro-blast? One guy would freeze-"

"Stuck in the mud."

"Well I'll be the son of a Varren..."

_BEEPBEEP! _They were interrupted by Shepard's Omni Tool going off.

"Oooops, looks like the Cerberus dragon has looked up from her almighty report and noticed that I'm not doing... uh... whatever it is I' m supposed to be doing. I have to go. One more thing though Garrus, if I may?"

"Hmmm?"

She rested one hand on his arm lightly.

"Tag. You're it."

A string of curses streamed through Garrus' mind as he watched Shepard run away cackling.


	2. Garrus

**A/N: This chapter was originally MUCH shorter, but it kinda just grew :) And Mordin is being rather garrulous in this, don't you think? Why? Because that's my new favourite word ^^**

GARRUS

Garrus stalked about the Normandy: It hadn't taken long for Shepard to get word about that Garrus was the new "It".

"Say Jacob, do you think that you could help me clean the barrel of my sniper rifle?"

Jacob only briefly looked up to acknowledge Garrus' presence in the room before returning his attention back to the table. Damn it.

"Yeah sure, if you just take the barrel apart you can really get in there."

"I'm kind of reluctant to do that, recalibrating is a pain. I need you to show me how to get into really _tight and small_ spaces."

Jacob raised his eyebrows.

"Even with the recalibrations, you should find the gun fires better in the long run."

"I'm not sure if I get it, do you think you could, uh, _come closer_ and _show me how it's done_?"

"...Dude, are you hitting on me?"

"What- no! I-"

"Because I am not cool with this. At all."

"No, just let me explain-"

"Does Shepard know that you're doing this?"

"What? No wait, please don't tell her: She'll kill me!"

"Well I don't know..."

"I'll do anything!"

"Anything huh? How's about admitting my awesome sniper rifle skills put your little girly ones to shame?"

"But you don't even own a sniper rifle!"

"Are you questioning me? If you want, I can get Shepard in here right this second. I'm sure she'd be glad to settle this dispute..."

"No. I don't want that."

"No I don't want that what?"

"Huh?"

"I said, no I don't want that what?"

"What do you mean?"

"From now on you address me as Sir."

"No. I don't want that. _Sir_."

The solemn expression on Jacob's face disappeared, replaced quickly by a wide smile.

"I'm sorry; it's just your tone, makes it too hard to keep a straight face. Relax Garrus, I'm just messing with you: Shepard's already told me about your little game of tag."

"..."

"Garrus?"

"She put you up to this, didn't she?"

"Maybe; I'm not saying anything." He flashed a cheeky grin at Garrus. "Besides, you need to work on your story: As if I'm supposed to believe that the master of calibrations needs an excuse. Hah..."

...

It was a last resort, a dirty and low trick, but also Garrus' only option.

"Mordin, I need some advice."

"Yes. Laboratory is open anytime. What do you need?"

He lowered his voice.

"It's about me and Shepard. I'm not entirely sure how to really... _pleasure_ her."

"Yes. Frequent problem in interspecies breeding. With a human female specimen I suggest you start..."

[Half an hour later]

Wow. Just wow. Who knew humans were that... complicated.

"...behind the ears is another erogenous zone-"

He couldn't help but get the feeling he'd forgotten to do something...

"Mordin, I appreciate the help very much, but I have to go."

"But have not yet detailed possibilities of anal penetration!"

"Yeahh, maybe some other time."

Like never.

_Wait a minute: Do humans seriously enjoy doing that? What reproductive purpose would it even serve? If anything, it just looks painful. And messy. I wonder; has Shepard ever done anything like that before? Will have to ask her. Preferably after plying her with drink. Maybe can get her to demonstrate... Crap! Tag. _

"And I'm really sorry for this by the way, but..." he tapped Mordin lightly on the arm "tag, you're it."

_Yes! Mission complete. _


	3. Mordin

MORDIN

Most unprofessional. Abuse of trust. Gross misconduct.

When heard of possible interspecies romance had thrown self into relevant research. In spite of possibility Shepard being too shy to ask. Believe humans have saying: If mountain cannot be moved, you must go to mountain. Was most grateful for help.

However, had always figured Garrus too proud to ask for help. Strong sense of Turian male pride. Was pleasantly surprised when asked. In retrospect, was short sighted.

Am now pariah of Normandy. Clinic is losing patients to Dr Chakwas. Now only have live samples for company, in many ways is better this way. Research not interrupted by stupid requests. Can freely practise Gilbert and Sulivan. But problem of still clinic persists.

Do not like it, but will have to resort to trickery.

...

Somewhere else on the ship, Miranda received an email.

_Miss Lawson,_

_Have had new breakthrough on collector samples. Please come to my laboratory in order to collect material for report._

_Sincerly,_

_Mordin._

Miranda tapped her nails impatiently against the desk. Having that unfinished report on her computer bothered her. Every time she saw it, it seemed to leap out of the screen: In other words, it was taunting her.

Without even bothering to lock her computer, Miranda stood up and left the room.

...

"Miss Lawson. What can I do for you?"

"I believe you have something for me."

"Ah yes. You are referring to research material, I presume?"

"Yes."

"Well I'm afraid I have bad news regarding said material."

Miranda's face darkened. "What do you mean?"

"Am not proud of this. Feel terrible for abusing both laboratory and position of trust. But what needs to be done, must be done."

He took a step towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"What the hell-"

"Tag. You're it."

"What?"

"And do not think of sending it back. Did research on human ritual of tag on extranet: no tagbacks allowed. On pain of Indian burns."

"What the hell are you babbling about?"

"Indian burns: Another human ritual by which-

"Do you mean to say that you never had the research material?"

"Yes. Am afraid I tricked you."

"And do you know what that means?"

"Yes. Position of trust-"

"Not that you imbecile! It means that I can't finish my report!"

"Are you not even worried about possible ramifications of-"

"Do I look like I'm giving a crap right now?"

"Judging by lack of forlorn expression, am guessing not: Rather, judging by prevalence of angry expression, am guessing pain will be forthcoming."

"Damn straight it is."

Miranda's arm flashed out, striking Mordin's face and instantly flooring him.

"Remember, still does not count as tagback," he could vaguely make out Miranda's form leaving the room as he began to pass out. "On pain of Indian Burns..."

* * *

**A/N: Mmm, in retrospect, am still not 100% about this idea. Feedback would is welcome; whether you loved it, think it needs improving, have an idea for improvement, hated it, think I should set fire to my laptop and stop writing nonsense... etc etc etc :) **


	4. Miranda

**A/N: Ahh, I am completely overwhelmed by the hugely positive response this story has gotten so far! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed/favourited. Anyways, here's a new (much longer than anticipated) chapter...**

* * *

Miranda

_/sendreport_  
_/reportincomplete/sendreportfail_  
_/sendreport_  
_/reportimcomplete/senderinadequate/sendreportfail_  
_/sendreportfail_  
_/sendreportfail_

Miranda woke up sick and sweating; she felt disgusted with herself and it was all thanks to this idiotic game of tag. She'd tried her hardest to ignore it; after all, why would she, a professional and mature woman, want to play a stupid and juvenile game?

Maybe because it's either that or eternally be damned to sending in reports missing information from members of the crew refusing to go near her.

Realising attempting to get back to sleep was futile, she got up out of bed and went over to her computer.

_Incoming email_  
_Sender: TheIllusiveMan_

Great. Now her boss was going to berate her for her blazing incompetence. She wondered how hard she would have to scrub in the shower before she felt clean again.

_Miranda,_  
_I'm flattered, but that time was a one off: Like I said, I'm not a man which can be tied down. Please stop or else I may have to file a restraining order._  
_The Illusive Man_  
_(P.S. how exactly did you find out about the panties?)_

Relief flooded through Miranda; thank god he hadn't noticed her misdemeanor yet. Although that didn't exactly explain the strange email...

She clicked on her sent items folder.

_TIM-BEAR_  
_I yearn for you tragically._  
_MiRandyKitten_  
_-_  
_TIM-BEAR_  
_Roses are red_  
_Violets are blue_  
_I'm a Cerberus lap-dog_  
_Who'll do anything for you_  
_MiRandyKitten_  
_(P.S. And by anything, I mean anything *wink*)_  
_-_  
_TIM-BEAR_  
_I WNT 2 GET INTO UR P4NTIES._  
_BADLY._ _LOL._  
_MiRandyKitten_  
_-_  
_TIM-BEAR_  
_Are you a Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy!_  
_MiRandyKitten_

_TIM-BEAR_  
_*beckons with finger* See? If I can make you come with one finger, imagine what I can do with a whole fist!_  
_MiRandyKitten_

Miranda smacked the power on her computer off in rage; could this morning get any worse? She was going to find the little shit responsible for this but first it seemed she was going to have to get rid of her new "status" aboard the Normandy.

And she knew just the way to do it.

...

Wait a second: What did The Illusive Man mean exactly by "find out about the panties"?

* * *

Miranda's lacquered nail traced the intercom; it looked like she'd better clear an hour from her schedule, just to be safe.

"Jacob? Are you there? Can you hear me?"

"Yes Miranda?"

"Can we talk?"

"We're talking now."

"I mean in my office. In private."

There was a slight pause on the other end of the line.

"The last time Garrus was seen for 2 days after he tagged Mordin he was walking towards the main battery, muttering something about 'calibrations cleaning the dirty thoughts away'. There's no way in hell I'm letting you tag me. "

Damn it.

She changed to her most wheedling tone, "Please Jacob, these past few days have been really hard."

"I said no."

"I'll stay behind the door to my bedroom, out of arms reach, and if I set one foot out of there you can just leave."

"Hrrrmmm..."

"Please? For me?""

"…Fine, but if I see so much as one toe past that line I'm leaving."

"Thanks Jacob. Be there in five?"

"Sure. Whatever."

A smirk spread across Miranda's face; she'd gotten the mouse away from the hole, now all that was left to do was lie out the bait...

[...]

"Miranda? Are you in there?"

Miranda stood up off her bed: It was time.

"Come in."

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Talk? Why, I've got better things to do that that..."

Miranda shot him a sly smile, unzipped her suit and pulled it down to her waist, revealing a tiny black lacy bra.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Just getting... comfortable. Whats that look for anyway? I'm still behind the line aren't I?"

She pulled the suit a little lower, revealing the strings of her thong.

"And if you just happened to cross the line and come to my side of the room... well, what's a girl to do?"

"Whatever, I don't have to deal with this; you're crazy by the way."

Jacob turned to leave the door: So she'd gotten all dressed and out of character for... nothing? What's more, it didn't look as though those reports would be done anytime soon.

Also, how _dare_ he not find her irresistible; oh, she'd show him crazy all right...

"Excuse me?" Her voice was icy and laced with venom. "I do all of this for you and all you have to say is 'I don't have to deal with this'? Do you know how much my father spent to give me this ass?"

Jacob was stopped in his tracks; damn, he'd forgotten how supremely sexy she could be when angered.

"Uh... I don't know?"

"More than you'll ever be worth, that's for sure!" She pointed to the chair. "Now sit. _Sit!_"

"Yes." Jacob's voice had become trance-like; he couldn't take his eyes off of her breasts.

Miranda cleared her throat.

"Now where were we? Ah yes, you were completely entrapped by my feminine wiles..."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "_Weren't you?_"

Oh god, if he could take a picture of her facial expression right now...

"Can I ask you a question Miranda?"

"Fine, I will allow you one question I suppose..."

"Have I been a bad boy?"

"What?"

"Are you going to hold me down, slap me and spank me because I have been so very bad?"

"Yes Jacob you have been a _very _bad boy," she replied flippantly. "Now stop talking, get undressed and lie on the bed. _Now._"

"Yes Master."

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Yes Miranda."

* * *

Meanwhile, Shepard, Tali and Kelly Chambers were standing in the kitchen chatting.

Kelly took a self-satisfactory sip of her coffee, "So did you hear? Miranda's tag now."

"Already? You know I only tagged Garrus as a joke right; I didn't expect him to go ahead and take it so _seriously._"

"I didn't expect the whole ship to go ahead and take a child's game seriously, but there we go." Tali sighed

"Mmmm. Besides Kelly, you're wrong about Miranda being tag."

Her face clouded over. "What? Who is it then?"

Before Shepard could reply the door to Miranda's office opened, revealing Jacob. Despite two jagged cuts running down his right cheek as though someone had scratched him, he was grinning from ear to ear.

"So. Totally. Worth. It."

* * *

**...and I bet none of you can guess who sent the emails and why.**


	5. Jacob

**A/N: I'll be honest, I was having a lot of trouble writing this: One day I sat down, wrote the first three lines of text and ran up straight into a metaphorical brick wall. I also found Joker very hard to write because Bioware have already done such a fantastic job with him. Still, I perservered and, before I knew it, this popped out: ****Not the best thing I've ever written, IMHO, but I guess that's more for you guys to judge :3. Enjoy! **

* * *

Jacob

Jacob was a Taylor: He kept his mind steady and his eyes always on the prize.

Only a few more steps and he'd be there...

"Don't even think about tagging me," Joker swivelled round on his chair. "Shepard issued a ship wide ban due to the fact I can barely walk. She's also banned the tagging of anyone who's been 'It' before; apparently it will "make the game more interesting"."

"...Damn it. Now what am I supposed to do?"

"Why not tag Kelly? I heard she's game."

"..."

"I did always figure she'd be the weird kid of the pack, y'know, the one who actually _enjoys_ being tag."

"..."

"Jacob? Earth to SSR Jacob? Do you copy?"

"But I don't want to touch her, she has scale itch..."

"Well I guess that's just too bad for you, now if you excuse me I need to get back to important business."

"Mr Montreau, I do not know if Two Asaris, One Hanar necessarily constitutes as important business."

"Which one of these big shiny red buttons just waiting to be pushed was mute again...? Aaah? Well it definitely wasn't that one. Oh _shit_..."

* * *

Jacob was having his mid-morning coffee and plotting when Miranda stalked past him.

"Morning sunshine!"

"Call me sunshine again and nobody will find your body."

"That's my princess," Jacob breathed.

"Actually Jacob, I think we can both help each other with something."

"Does it have anything to do with hot candle wax and my naked flesh?"

"What? No, don't be absurd." Miranda scowled; why was it whenever you screw a guy it turns them into complete imbeciles? "When Mordin tagged me, you were in the medbay, right?"

"Err... yes?"

"Well if you can tell me if you saw anyone go into my office or act suspiciously in the area, I can help you with your little problem."

"Oh okay... well, I didn't see anything... except... Nah. That's not likely."

"What? What's not likely?"

"Hrmmm. Nope. It's slipped my mind."

"And I hope that was just your sick idea of a joke. Now tell me."

"I don't know... maybe a little _incentive_ will trigger my memory."

"Oh I get what you're getting at..." She raised her eyebrows at him seductively, "You've been a naughty boy again haven't you? You need someone to give you a spanking."

"Yes. I do. Badly."

"Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when you do things to get under my skin?" She pressed her body up close to him and whispered into his ear. "It just makes me feel so..."

"Yes?"

She kneed him in the crotch.

"Fucked. Off."

She shoved him to the ground and placed a boot on his chest.

"Now who was it?"

She pressed the boot in harder.

"Aurrghh, geez that hurt." He groaned "It was Legion okay: He just suddenly upped and left the office and headed straight towards your office the second you left. You're damn sexy when you're mad, you know that?"

She rolled her eyes. "Save it for Shepard, Jacob. Now are you coming or what?"

"Coming? Where?"

"It's time to seal the deal."

* * *

"Legion!"

Miranda practically kicked the door to the AI core open.

"Lawson Miranda."

"What were you doing in my office screwing with my emails? And don't even think about lying, I know it was you."

"Geth do not lie. We were merely testing to ascertain the credibility of anomalous results."

"In English?"

"Auto-translate in room nullifies objective of request. Request denied."

"In English _now_ or that hole in your armour is going to get a new brother."

"No data avaliable."

"Uh, Miranda," Jacob tapped her on the shoulder. "Maybe you should let me take over from here. Legion, what did you mean by anomalous results exactly?"

"Speed-date starway: An inter-special romance simulation game (version 3.3: Now with species Drell included). Despite using common human mating initiatives, we could not obtain a score higher than 3."

"And what does that have to do with Miranda's emails?"

"We wanted to test material used in game in a real life stimulation, however, security settings on this platform do not allow us to access the ships computer system without proper authorization."

"And how did you get proper authorization exactly?" Miranda cut in.

"We did not need it. A scan of the ships network showed us Lawson Miranda left her computer vulnerable to a direct attack."

"...so in other words she forgot to log off?"

"Affirmative."

"Hah, you can never beat the old dodges can you?" Jacob chuckled.

"...I'll just pretend that I didn't hear that. Have you got the 'virus' Jacob?"

"Virus?"

"You know, the '_virus_'"

"Ohhh, I see. It's installed into the chip on my hand, ready for infection."

"We do not like the sound of this."

"You shouldn't." Miranda placed her hand on her hip. "Cerberus have been developing anti-Geth programming and this is the prototype of the first version. The main symptom is all organic life developing a natural repulsion to you, but there is one other thing..."

Legion made a strange beeping noise.

"...it may cause self-destruction of the platform infected, as well as any other networked platforms. We don't know when though, could be 3 seconds could be 3 centuries..."

She grabbed ahold of Legion's neck and pushed it against the table, securing it with her knee.

"...and you get to test it out. Jacob! NOW!"

"I'm sorry Legion but..." He placed his hand on the hole in Legion. "Tag, you're it."

* * *

**A/N: Go back and read the Mordin chapter, she DID indeed leave it logged on, *adopts sing-songy voice* because I planned this all along... *ahem* yes. **

**And that rhymed. Go me. **


	6. Legion

**A/N: It's been awhile, hasn't it? Enjoy your new chapter! **

* * *

/Run antivirus scan

Scan complete. No virus detected.

/Upgrade antivirus software

Upgrade complete.

/Play game/minesweeper

/Run deluxe antivirus scan

Scan complete. No virus detected.

/Play game/minesweeper

/Play game/minesweeper

/Play game/minesweeper

/Send consensus

/New consensus reached

ERROR DETECTED

/view details

Virus present in mobile platform due to repulsion of organic life, however not detected by scanner. Consensus reached that virus must be of a very advanced nature and a danger to all stationary platforms. [1100-83]

/Send consensus

/Play game/tetris

/Send consensus

/Consensus reached/view details

Long block of four consecutive units should not be used to finish single line, but instead placed vertically at the far right end. [972-211]

/Play game/Superman 64

/Terminate/play game/Superman 64

/Delete/game/Superman 64

/Consensus reached/view details

Self-destruct sequence should be initiated in mobile platform. [1182-1]

/Initiate self destruct sequence/countdown:1800seconds

_Meanwhile outside of the medical bay..._

"Garrus, are you suggesting we do what I think you're suggesting we do?"

"No, I was just asking what your opinion of it was."

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"You mean placing it there?"

"Yes! I mean, no, I was just _curious_ because I heard from a very reliable source that-"

"Have you been watching porn again?"

"I told you, that wasn't porn, it was research-"

"Ah yes, 'research'. We have dismissed that claim."

Shepard could be so infuriating at times.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Are you going to tell me?"

"Don't mind me." Tali muttered, who was sitting at the table just across from them.

Garrus never got his explanation however, because EDI popped up interrupting them.

"Commander, my network shows that Legion has jammed."

"Garrus, go fix it."

"No way, I'm not being tag again."

"Garrus, go fix it and I'll do that thing we were discussing."

Garrus was tempted as it would quell his curiosity as to what the big deal was and definitely not because he wanted to try it or anything like that.

"Oh for the love of-" Tali stood up. "Your conversations are disgusting. I couldn't give a damn about your stupid game, I'll gladly go and take a look if it gets me out of this earshot."

She stomped over to the medical bay and out of sight.

[...]

/countdown/145seconds

/countdown/144seconds

/organiclifedetected

/countdown/paused

/consensus sent

/consensus reached/view details

There is a chance that virus can be passed off on to an organic life form, via an electronic device on its person. This will not be done however as it is seen as detrimental to Shepard Commander's mission. [611-572]

/Upload new data

/Data uploaded

/Consensus sent

/Consensus reached/view details

Organic life form is a Quarian. In light of this information, virus will be passed on via the mobile platform. We hope it annoys them greatly. [1183-0]

Tali entered the main battery to see that Legion was standing crookedly with smoke billowing out of it.

She sighed hesitantly and approached the Geth.

Suddenly, Legion sprang to life, grabbing her wrist.

"Tag," Legion gave a celebratory beep. "You're it."


End file.
